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Pilot's Mess [chit-chat zone]

This is the forum to get to know your fellow pilots and the ONLY place to talk about everything else not really relevant to sci-fi movies, including your personal loves and interests. A true pilot doesn't discuss these issues while on duty.

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Old Mar 2, 2003, 03:39 PM   #1
Splendiferous
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Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Thanks to a huge box-office intake, we've decided that the "Oh no not another movie" thread deserved a sequal. And here it is!

A brief recap : In the previous movie (officially the only movie to have a pre-credits sequence longer than the post-credits sequence), Splend, Pred and One got together to locate Nexus' secret treasure in his Donut Temple. We got fooled by God, and set straught by Nexus himself. Now we must embark on a crusade against God's White Gate, the home of all purity, fluffy-bunny-rabbits and Cliff Richard records.

Nex : Now, we must embark on a crusdade against -

Splend : No, no, Nex, the funny yellow writing scrolling up the screen into the background said that already. you're just being redundant.

Nex : Redundant?

Pred : Allow me! <<Pulls out dictionary>> Redundant, redundant, redund - ah! "Redundant - see redundant".

Nex : That doesn't help. Anyway - Onward to the White Gate!!!

<<Cue rousing music, preferably by John Williams. Failing that, Flash of the Blade by Iron Maiden>>
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 03:44 PM   #2
Nexus
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Splend:
hey, you weren't going with us in the last movie?

Nex:
So? It can be like The Evil Dead. The ending's changed slightly.

Predn:
Oh lovely.

Nex:
Actually, I better be going back to my Temple...

Splend:
Whatever.

Predn:
Oh lovley.

*The Donut Warrior leaves. One...., Predn and Splend carry on.*
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 03:57 PM   #3
Splendiferous
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

<<Our heroes catch a bus to take them to the center of Nextown>>

Pred : Humph. Saying he'd help us and then buggering off. The nerve of the man! Where does he get off?!

Nex : Next stop, actually.

<<Pred does a double-take>> What the - ?! I thought you'd gone back to the tower.

Nex : <<shrugs>> Forgot my luggage.

<<He rings the bell, wishes them good luck, and gets off the bus>>

Pred : Bastard ...
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:01 PM   #4
Nexus
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

*The bus carries on again. A few seconds later it stops. Nex gets on, picks up his packet of Haribo's and gets back off the bus again.*
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:09 PM   #5
Splendiferous
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

One : I was eating those ...

Splend : Never mind the Haribos, One, we have bigger fish to fry!

Pred : Bigger fish to fry? I hate that cliche! <<Shoots Splend in the foot>>

Splend : Oh! Why I oughta ...

<<Splend pokes Pred in the eyes, Pred grabs a wrench and sticks it up Splend's nose, pulling his head back into the air. One shakes her head, grabs their heads and rams them together>>

One : Quit, knucklheads! We've got some important plot development to do!

Splend : Right, let's look at this map. <<He reads a few lines, his eyes widening in astonishment>> Oh no ...

Pred : What is it?

Splend : Oh NO ...

One : What's wrong?

Splend : Dear Lord, NO!!!

Pred and One : What, fer chrissakes?!

Splend : This map ... it says that the White Tower is in ... <<he gulps>> Sonnyland!

<<There is a pause. Pred and One start giggling>>

Splend : What?

<<Pred and One have collapsed with laughter>>

Splend : What??

<<Pred and One are now leaning on each other for support, wiping tears of mirth from their eyes>>

Pred : Sonnyland? Seriously, Splend - couldn't you think of a better name?!
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:13 PM   #6
Nexus
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Splend:
Oh shut up. But damn, that's why Nex hates it so much. We're gonna need to stop at a gun shop or somewhere...

The one....:
What a coincidence - here's one now.
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:20 PM   #7
Splendiferous
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Splend : <<Standing up>> DRIVER, PLEASE STOP THE VEHICLE, I WISH TO GET OFF!!!

Pred : Erm, that's not a -

<<The bus slams on the brakes, Splend goes flying>>

Pred : - good idea, Splend.

<<They get off the bus, after Splend has given the driver a royal kicking, and enter the gun shop. >>

Gunshop owner : Good afternoon, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

Splend : Holy crap - it's Samuel L. Jackson!

Pred : What are you doing in a low-budget B-movie like this?!

SLJ : I need the money, man - I need something to do until kill Bill.
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:26 PM   #8
Nexus
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Predn:
Er...oh...

Splend:
(to Predn) We're still in Nex's area.

Predn:
Ah!

*Splend looks at a shotgun.*

SLJ:
Yeah, that's a good 'un. Wanna buy it?

*Splend picks up some bullets off the desk and puts them in the gun.*

SLJ:
Hey, you can't do that.

*Splend points the gun at SLJ.*

Splend:
No. Wrong!

*Splend kills SLJ. He steals all the guns and he, Predn and The one.... run away.*

INT. CINEMA - DAY

*Zoom-out. We see Phlub watching the film.*

Phlub:
It's been done.

*Phlub leaves.*
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:48 PM   #9
Splendiferous
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

<<They stop in an alleyway behind an S-Mart. They crouch, and draw a copy of their paper map on the ground, unaware that they are being approached by a strange man>>

Splend : Right. So, this is this is the city we're in.

Pred : Nextown.

Splend : Yes. A city called Nex ... town. <<Pred is grinning at him in that "I'm about to correct you" way. Splend slugs him>> Shuddap. Anyway, this is Nextown. And these triangles here -

One : Those are triangles?

Splend : Yes.

One : They look more like circles with corners to me.

Splend : Shuddap. Anyway, these TRIANGLES to the left of this CITY <<He glares around>> are the Roundhead Mountains.

Stranger : They look more like circles with corners to me ...

Splend : <<Automatically>> Shudda - erm, who are you?

Stranger : My name is not important. do you want to buy some crack?

Splend : No. Anyway -

Stranger : Porn?

Splend : No. Anyway -

Stranger : Booze?

Splend : No. Anyway -

Stranger: Aardvarks?

Splend : No. Anyw - did you say aardvarks? <<His eyes light up>>

Last edited by Splendiferous : Mar 2, 2003 at 05:06 PM.
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 04:58 PM   #10
Predalien
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Predn: Splend, you have a perfectly fine Aadvark at home, leave the stranger alone.

Splend: Aaah, Mr. Poppy, the happiest Aadvark in the world...

The one......: Oh, that one

Splend: Yeah, I put him down last week

Predn: How novel.

*Predn takes the stranger to another part of the alleyway*

Predn :*whispers* Did you say you had crack?

Stranger: Yeah

Predn: Gimme it!

*We see a sillhouette of Predn snorting the line of crack off the stranger's hand*

The one: Predn, we need your help

Predn: WHAT IS IT?

*Approaches them*

The one: What does this look like to you?

Predn: I DON'T F*CKING GIVE A F*CK!

Splend: Predn, are you okay?
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 05:05 PM   #11
Splendiferous
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Pred : WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?! WHAT DO YOU F8CKIN WANT?! WHAT ARE YOU AFTER, YOU BASTYARDS!

Splend : Bastyards?

Pred : Damn, I was hoping no-one would notice - bloody typos. Carry on, it's not too late.

Splend : Erm, ok. Pred - did you get crack off this guy?

Pred : <<Suspicious, eye twitching>> No ... <<Rubs nose. Splend sighs, Pred jumps 6 foot>> What was that?! What are you f*cking sighing for? WHY - Oh, my, that wore off quick. Can I have another?

Starnager : You didnt pay me for the last one yet <<pulls out two guns>> and I really must insist on speedy payment.

<<Splend picks up a guityar case, flips it open, and pulls out - a guitar. He strums a bit, and sings (badly) Don McClean's American Pie>>

Stranger : Aaargh ... stop that godawful wailing ... AAARGH!!!

<<The stranger explodes in a showe of blood. Splendputs his guitar away, and stashes the case>>

Splend : And that Mexican dude said I should ditch the guitar and fill the case with weapons - hah!
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 05:07 PM   #12
Predalien
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

Predn: And luckily that guy dropped all of his crack...guys, I suggest we use it all to make ourselves more interesting for this movie, erm, adventure. And to better ourselves on our mission...

Splend: Okay then...we'll form an orderly queue...

The one: Hurrah!

*They queue up for the crack*
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 05:11 PM   #13
Splendiferous
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

<<Terry Gilliam shows up>>

TG : Hey! This is plagiarism! Me and Hunter S. Thompson, and everyone involved with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas are gonna sue!

<<Unfortunately, the gang are now wasted, and all they see is a giant lizard painting a portrait of Picasso in the shower>>

One : Twisted.

Pred : Gnarly.

Splend : Groovy.

Last edited by Splendiferous : Mar 3, 2003 at 08:33 AM.
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 05:34 PM   #14
Predalien
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

*Meanwhile, deep in the jungle, under the light of the Silvery moon, a secret experiment is taking place under the watchful glare of Evil Scientist Roger FICKface*

FICKface: Aaaah, so they think they can destroy the two gates by getting high on crack do they?

Assistant: Sir, the clones are awaking

FICKface: Excellent Maguire, excellent...

Maguire: It took you three years to do this sir

FICKface: I know...and now it is all complete!

*He takes the cover off of a table, the camera zooms in on three entities awaking...we can't make out the face on them*

FICKface: How is the original?

Maguire: The original version of the clones, sir?

FICKface: No, I mean the original version of We Will Rock You by Queen Maguire...of course I mean the original version of the clones...

Maguire: If you say so sir....He seems to be fine

*Camera pans round to view a container with the original version of the clone...it's Sonny*

FICKface: Once my army is complete, that foursome won't stand a chance...

Maguire: Would you like to name any of the clones, sir?

FICKface: Yes, I'll name that one 4years, and that one 3years...

Maguire: Very good, sir...but why?

FICKface: Leave me Maguire...leave me alone with my creations for a minute or so...

Maguire: Yes sir.

*Cut so shot of Maguire leaving the room with Dr. FICKface doing an evil laugh in the forground...
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Old Mar 2, 2003, 05:49 PM   #15
Nexus
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Re: Splend's Movie II : The Two Gates

*Suddenly Sonny jumps oup and flies through the air, out the window.*

FICKface:
Oh, did I make them clones fly? Don't remember that...

INT. ALLEY - NIGHT

Predn:
(high) Aaaaaaargh, wassamattawivyu? Hey, look up, dudes!

*Sonny lands.*

Sonny:
Prepaire tu die!!!

Splend:
God, that's cheesy. I ain't takin' thsi sh*t nomore.
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