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Pilot's Mess [chit-chat zone]

This is the forum to get to know your fellow pilots and the ONLY place to talk about everything else not really relevant to sci-fi movies, including your personal loves and interests. A true pilot doesn't discuss these issues while on duty.

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Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:14 PM   #1
Iwata
Autarch
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2,558 flights since Aug 2001
Location: Helghan
50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

By Dr. Albert Oxford, Phd

Fellowship of the Rings and Two Towers were shoved down our throats.

I've heard some students are even forced to read some novelization of the movie in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?


Greed.

Hollywood can't make a movie these days without crapping out a sequel the next year to squeeze more money out of the sheep. Guess what; there's ANOTHER LOTR movie coming this Christmas. Gee, I wonder what will bring Rocky out of retirement this time?


Quality Control at New Line.

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVDs have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.


They switched Darrens on us!

Look closely in Fellowship and you'll notice the human member of their party is played by two different actors at different points of the movie (it takes a sharp eye to notice, but one of them has red hair, one black).


Quality Control at New Line, II.

In the massive Mt. Doom battle scene at the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, a DVD pause reveals at least half a dozen of the 50,000 Orc Warrior extras are wearing modern tennis shoes.


Speaking of Orcs...

The Orcs were obviously stolen from PC game maker Blizzard and its Warcraft series. Too bad Blizzard is apparently too scared to sue New Line over it.


Racism.

Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. Gosh, I wonder if there's some symbolism there?


Gold: The Stretchy Element.

The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.


Violence.

Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.


Horse sense.

Why didn't they take horses on their quest? Or even better, why didn't Gandalf's giant flying bird friend haul them into Mordor? Watch out, Frodo! All of your methods of transportation have been swallowed by the Dark Lord of the Plot Hole!


Retracted.*

See below.


Return of the Living Dead.

In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.


Did someone say plot hole?

Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.


The Battle Droid Syndrome.

The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.


Sloppy CGI.

Gandalf's smoke boat at Bilbo's party is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.


The Asbestos Wizard.

We all saw Gandalf fall into the molten core of Middle Earth after his battle with the firebeast thing in part 1. Well, I guess the Gandalf action figure must have sold well, because in the slap-together sequel Two Towers, Gandalf is back. Perhaps it was voodoo, a la the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's II (look closely and you'll notice LOTR steals several elements from the WAB films).


Invisible Implausibility.

Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.


The Asbestos Wizard, II.

The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.


I'll have to rent that one.

The rushed-through story the screenwriter threw in as the first ten minutes of Fellowship of the Ring looked a lot more interesting than the movie we were forced to watch. Why didn't somebody make a movie off that instead?


Magic Mechanics.

Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.


Finders, keepers.

So Bilbo, who we are supposed to identify with as a protagonist, finds a piece of someone else's jewelry and just keeps it for himself? That's funny, because I would expect a good man to submit it to the local Lost and Found so it could be claimed by its owner. It makes me wonder if he bought that hillside house or if he was just squatting.


Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.


Watch out! He's going to explode!

The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.


Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!

The character of Gollum in The Two Towers was entirely computer animated (a cheap effort to cash in on Jar Jar Binks Mania) but was just a dim shadow of George Lucas' effort. Thank you, Peter Jackson. Thank you right to Hell.


Propaganda.

The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.


Speaking of Elves...

Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.


Homage or theft?

The "happy village of little people" idea was stolen from Willow.


Homage or theft II?

The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.


Homage or theft III?

The "travelling on our quest through a corn field" scene was stolen from Shrek.


Homage or theft IV?

The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.


Homage or theft V?

The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Al Pacino.


Homage or theft VI?

The "old man looking through the door hatch at the approaching little people" scene was stolen from A Clockwork Orange.


Homage or theft VII?

The cantina scene with a noisy bar filled with a mix of otherworldly species was stolen from Cecile B. DeMille's One Night in an Alien Bar.


Homage or theft VIII?

The incident with the flock of evil magical spying crows serving the All-Seeing Eye was based on an actual incident.


Homage or theft IX?

The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.


Homage or theft X?

The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.


Weighty issues.

AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.


Realism, schmealism.

Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.


Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.


Too many notes.

No movie should be over two hours long. Did we need that whole thing in the mine in part 1? What about that almost-infinite battle scene in part 2? Didn't it seem like they were just adding pointless scenes in the middle to pad it? It's like they decided beforehand they wanted three hours for each film and used filler to flesh them out.


Too many notes, II.

I just want to re-emphasize the above point. There is no reason entertainment can't be concise.


Too many notes, III.

Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.


Rationalization for violence.

Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?


The Shoeless Land.

The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in crap? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?


Casting.

Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?


Casting, II.

Why couldn't Gandalf have been played by Bruce Campbell?


Casting, III.

Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?


Casting, IV.

Why couldn't Strider have been played by a monkey?


The Score.

The background music wasn't nearly funky enough for me.


What's that smell?

As bad as the Lucasfilm leaks were with his last film, the filmmakers of Return of the King already have the novelization out in paperback. I've seen it at Barnes & Noble already. As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.

-Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
London Film Institute


RETRACTED REASONS LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS:


11. Damn you, gravity!

The giant firebeast thing is defeated by Gandalf when he destroys the bridge, sending the creature plunging to its death... despite the fact that it has wings.

This was retracted when a reader pointed out that the wings, like the rest of the beast, were made of shadow and fire and thus would be useless for flight. Thanks for the tip!
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:31 PM   #2
HighWiredSith
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3,854 flights since Jul 2001
Location: The Uplift Mojo Party
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Dr. huh?

Pretty funny stuff.
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:34 PM   #3
Quintessa
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875 flights since Jul 2004
Location: here or there
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Quote:
I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.

This is a joke right? A joke? Please tell me this is a joke.

I mean it's really funny.

It's a joke right?

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Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:38 PM   #4
Diz
Starfighter
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143 flights since Oct 2004
Location: Myssa-arse end of the universe
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Hmmm, I'd like to have seen Bruce Campbel as Gandalf.
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:39 PM   #5
Lt_Johnny_Rico
Registered User
380 flights since Aug 2002
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

I had a good laugh reading that.

That was a joke, right?
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:42 PM   #6
Iwata
Autarch
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2,558 flights since Aug 2001
Location: Helghan
But wait... there's more!

THE MATRIX: REJECTED

I've seen all three films in this franchise that's so sloppy and lowbrow that it's almost criminal.
Here's 50 Reasons to stay away.


by Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD


The Wachowskis killed Jesus

Neo dies.

So let me get this straight. Neo dies and is resurrected in the original film, as a symbol of Christ's sacrifice to save mankind, the Wachowskis being in love with the idea of religious symbolism in their kung fu movies (notice that Morpheus wears sunglasses without earpieces, just like Allah).

According to them, therefore, Jesus, having been resurrected and taking his place as an invulnerable deity on Earth, will later die again in order to accomplish the exact same thing we all thought he had accomplished the first time around. I guess it's a good thing for us lost souls that your so-called "God" doesn't need sequels.


It's like rooting for the Cubs...

The Matrix survives. The machines are not defeated.

After spending every second of the first two films setting up the machines as evil, murderous slavemasters with predatory dreadlocked sentinels slithering through the darkness, we're forced to buy into a truce between man and machine in the last scene?

And what about the little girl in the film, supposedly the first love child merging man and machine? Does this not imply a thankfully-unseen man and sentinel sex scene, with a nude man, shall we say, "interfacing" with its so-called "female data port" using his "boner?"


He caught her! Oh, wait...

Trinity dies.

Boy, it's a good thing they based the entire second film around Neo keeping her alive. That was more than worth it. But don't worry, Trinity fans; your girl gets the same noble death as Cpl. Hicks in Alien 3.

Come to think of it, these films are like real life.


War crimes

Seraph is revealed to be a former one, as most of us guessed by his stand-off fight with Neo. What is not mentioned is that this man is also responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Zionites in some previous incarnation of The Matrix since he obviously chose the other door in The Architect's TV shop.

Why was he not punished for causing this slaughter? And, being Japanese, we must ask if he pleasured himself at the thought of all that death?


There's the Matrix! Shoot it!

Great plan for defending Zion, using those mechs to try to shoot the sentinels out of the air using machine guns, a technology available since 1939. I mean, there's no reason in the world to set up EMP devices around the perimeter...

Wait a second. Where did the humans get the Mechs? Or the ships? If these are leftover scraps from the great war between machines and man, how could they continually hold off the same force that defeated the original army at full strength? Maybe the Merovingian isn't the only machine who's also French.


Neo is burning down the prom!

So we find out Neo was able to defeat the sentinels in Reloaded through a vague kind of telekinesis (you should have known, from the well-bent spoon handed to Neo by his young stalker in Zion). That would be fine, except there is no such thing as telekinesis. Here's proof: try to bend a nearby object with your mind.

See? You can't. Now try to shut down the nearest robot using the same method. Simply impossible.


I'm dreaming of a white... cast?

Two actors were abruptly cut from the third film's cast before production ended, both female minorities. Coincidence?

Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for Revolutions. What's wrong, guys? They didn't test well with the predominantly white Matrix audiences?

Neither actress could be reached for comment.


More weird religosity...

So Agent Smith takes a human body, and the first thing we see him do is cut his palms, presumably in order to punish himself for his newfound masturbation ability? Bizarre.


"She was not kissing your face..."

So they base a whole scene in Reloaded between the Merovingian and Persephone around his having lipstick on his anus due to a ladies' room rimjob?

I think I'll skip the Reloaded DVD deleted scenes, thank you very much.


The Matrix Murders

The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequels?

In fact, the only reason the U.S. Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity.


The aborted American dream

Warner Bros. devoted $300 million to the production of the two Matrix sequels.

In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars.


Would You Like some Chicken with your Destiny?

In what had to be the most ridiculous product placement deal in history, Kentucky Fried Chicken paid Warner Bros. over $30 million to cast mascot Colonel Sanders as the Architect in the sequels.

"Finger-lickin' good?" I think that after this trilogy is finished, Matrix fans will be "licking their fingers" in disappointment.


Reloaded Ridiculousness

Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off.


Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time!

Can we please have just one major studio movie without a trick ending? I won't reveal it because some of you have requested that I not, but Revolutions has a shocking surprise near the end that the studio has bent over backwards (probably in slow-motion, while dodging bullets) to conceal. All I'll say is that it has to do with the surprise return of a certain treacherous character who we all thought was dead in the first film. Can any of you decipher what I'm saying here?


Reloaded Ridiculousness, 2

The machines added two new enemies for Neo in Reloaded, called the Twins. Their first priority is to blend discreetly into the simulated world of the Matrix, to walk among the people unnoticed. So of course the Matrix made them huge albino men with bleach-white dreadlocks who occasionally transform into shrieking wraiths.

"What's that, honey?"

"Oh, nothing. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon. I'm sure there's no need to question our fragile, sheltered grasp of 'reality' as we know it."


The Matrix: Reconsidered

But the first film was great art, you say?

In the spoon-bending scene, watch closely. First we see Neo bend the spoon almost into a "U" shape... now watch carefully (freeze-frame it, for you DVD owners). A second later it's back to its normal shape again. Ironic that a film meant for no-attention-span kids also had a no-attention-span editor.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 2

After they sucked the "bug" out of Neo's abdomen, where was the gaping bloody hole the thing should have left? Even if Trinity had the medical training to re-tie the knot in his navel, we certainly didn't see her do it.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 3

In the same scene, the "bug" is casually discarded in the street. Better hope no one comes along and steps on the squirming, burrowing thing with their bare feet.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4

You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.

Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 5

Neo can move faster than sound, yet can't move blindingly through bullet time and simply disarm the security guards rather than slaughtering them? It looks like Neo learned his disarming techniques from George W. Bush.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 6

Neo and his crew can generate an infinite number of guns in the construct, but can't come up with non-lethal weapons such as long-range tasers and sleeping gas?

Would not the "exciting" skyscraper shootout have been just as exciting if the two had been armed with the Vomit Sticks from Minority Report? Or are these lives not worth saving?


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 7

You are a hard-working single mother, making ends meet by doing time as a secretary in an office building during the day, a drug-store clerk in the evenings. You are on the office phone with the babysitter one quiet Wednesday afternoon, telling her how to calm little Dakota down, to get her to stop crying her eyes out asking why Mommy is never home, telling her that you'll be there soon, honey.

A split-second later your head is severed by a shattered helicopter rotor blade, the skull bouncing off a nearby wall, leaving a spray of arterial blood on a motivational poster. Your eyes bulge wide, your brain inside remaining alive just long enough to recognize the horror of your fate. Aviation fuel splashes in through the shattered windows and ignites, incinerating mothers, husbands, fathers, best friends.

And somewhere, a theater full of young, chubby males cheers because Trinity made it out before the crash.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 8

"If you wanna give me that juris-my-****-tion crap, you can kiss my ass."


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 9

You infiltrate a building to rescue a hostage who you can't afford to lose. Either his death, or your own death, would have unimaginable consequences for the entire living world. So, once you're inside and riding up the lift, it's a good idea to go ahead and set the building on fire by dropping a bomb on the first floor.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 10

It's the film's climactic battle between Agent Smith and Neo. It begins with Agent Smith walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run. But no; he stands and fights.

They fight for what seems like an hour, back and forth, an epic battle of good and evil. Neo takes a beating, comes back, finds his courage, becomes The One. He goes toe-to-toe with the baddest of the bad. After this long, choreographed, pivotal moment of the film, Agent Smith is left...

...walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run.

He runs.

Excuse me, ticket lady? I'd like a refund of the last fifteen minutes of my life. It would be like if at the end of Rocky, after sitting through the whole film, the main character just lost the fight anyway.


Excuse me?

"I hate this place, this... zoo. It's the smelt."


By their fruits ye shall know them

I had attended a showing of The Matrix in May of 1999 with a lady friend, because we are both big Morgan Freeman fans. An hour into the film, as I observed what dreck we were wading in, I walked up and stood before the screen and tried to explain to the audience that this vomitus was below their dignity.

I was greeted by some of the most vulgar insults imaginable, until some began throwing objects and one man even knocked my pipe from my hand. Do you wish to be associated with a group of such character?


By their fruits ye shall know the staff, too

After the above incident, I was the one asked to leave.


The Matrix: Reconsidered further

If you need to get in touch with a person, you can simply call them at their office. You do not need to actually mail the phone to them.


Two words:

Keanu Reeves.


Two more words:

See above.


The Matrix: Reconsidered further, 2

The film states that the humans attached to the matrix were kept alive by liquifying the dead and feeding it to the living, apparently pouring the mixture into their containers in the form of strawberry Jello. Such a diet would not be sufficient to support an adult human.


The Matrix: Reconsidered further still

Bullets travel at over 900 feet per second. I don't care how fast Agent Smith and his friends pulled their triggers in that hallway, their bullets would not travel in a tight pack like that. It takes a tenth of a second for an automatic to recycle itself, meaning that by the time the second round left the barrel, the first bullet would be 90 feet away.

You should have heard my gales of laughter upon seeing this scene during my second viewing of the film. I fully expected the audience around me join in the derision, and when they did not I walked up and down each row, leaning over each seat and howling my gales of mockery right in their faces.

Once more, the staff removed me from the theater, rather than doing the proper thing and removing the film from the theater. Ridiculous.


The Gaytrix

Hollywood's homophobia never fails to astound me. First, I applauded the romance between the two male characters, Neo and Trinity. Then I found later that, because of demands by Keanu Reeves, Trinity was actually played by a woman in shorthair.

(If you look closely in certain scenes of the film, you can make out breasts.) Where were the protests?


By their fruits ye shall know them, 2

Average weight of the common Matrix fan: 276 lbs.

U.S. Census Bureau, 2001


By their fruits ye shall know them: Reloaded

Average I.Q. of the common Matrix fan: 91. That's fifteen points below average, folks.

U.S. Dept. of Education Statistics, 2002


The death of choice

The humans of the future are attached to the Matrix, in embryo-like pods. They receive nourishment from the Matrix, they cannot survive independent of it. They share a blood stream, their consciousness is provided completely by the mother system.

Thus, the humans are part of the mother's body and the matrix can terminate them if it so chooses. The film's suggestion that this is evil is a direct assault on female choice and the fundamental functions of motherhood. Can female slavery be far behind?


Still not convinced the first film was rubbish?

The cybernetic army that took over the Earth, says the film, was solar powered. The human resistance responded by blotting out the sky.

A desperate measure, but surely the only choice they had. It was that, or, I don't know, postpone their counterattack until evening.


This is your brain...

Speaking of which, does no one else have the problem with the blatant pro-drug message in these films? The idea that you can be transported to a magical wonderland where you have supernatural powers simply by inserting a needle into your skull?

Is it any coincidence that "jacking" (injecting heroin directly into the brain using a nine-inch long skull needle) became all the rage with our teenagers after this film?


Hope you haven't just eaten...

And what was that white goo they were eating in the cafeteria? Would you eat something like that, having just seen it spill out of an apparent robot penis?


Grow up

The policeman in the opening scene of the first film? Look on the credits and you'll see he's billed as Lt. Geyser ********.

Infantile.


Excuse me? 2

"I'm only good for two things. Degreasing engines and killing brain cells."


There's a bug in the logic program!

Cypher, prior to his surprise return at the end of the second film, sells his friends out for a steak dinner. This makes sense, because, as he points out, aboard the ship all they have to eat is the "cold goop" grown in the ship's vats.

Of course, he could always get a steak in the ship's construct. He wouldn't be nourished by it, but it's the experience he wants. Or, they could all stop at an Outback Steakhouse during one of their many trips inside The Matrix.

Eh, betraying all of humanity to eternal enslavement was probably easier.


There's a bug in the logic program! 2

If they're so hungry for meat, why not just cannabalize some of the humans attached to the Matrix? Their lives mean nothing, anyway.


PVC problems

If you're going into physical combat, do not wear skin-tight black plastic clothes. The chafing will literally draw blood, as we saw when such uniforms were tried by the French Army.


Moooooooo

Am I wrong to say that, despite the criticism of myself and other members of the intellectual elite, that this film will still make obscene amounts of money in ticket sales? Hollywood knows how to push buttons, and it knows Matrix fans inside and out. These lowing cattle will lap up the multimillion dollar flash and fire just as beasts stand in the pasture and lap up their evening bowls of cow pudding.

Oh, yes, I think it is safe to say that once all you Matrix fanboys out there get a load of the blinding, hyperkinetic Reloaded climax, you'll walk out of the theater still very pale, fat and lonely.


Also consider...

Keanu Reeves.


Hacker heroes?

"He's been going for ten hours straight. He's a machine."

That's right. The first indication that Neo was The One was his ability to spend ten hours sitting in a chair. There's your hero, computer dorks! "Hey, check out the neuralkinetics between the chair and his arse!"


Hacker heroes? 2

Computer nerds are heroes? The good ones are listed among an elite, chosen few?

That's odd, because I mastered the complex code it took to format this web page in half an hour. I guess that means I'm The One!


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]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]
]

-Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
Chairman, London Film Institute
Iwata is offline Reply With Quote
Old Oct 29, 2004, 03:57 PM   #7
becks-orion
Cluster Admiral
1,175 flights since Oct 2003
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Quote:
Originally posted by Prividenie_
- This is why LOTR sucks:

http://maddox.xmission.com/lotr1.html

He's also got Matrix pretty well marked too:

Four things that could have improved Matrix:Reloaded


And back on topic, Dr Albert Oxford has just become my new favourite person.
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 04:00 PM   #8
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
Splendiferous's Avatar
3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

I hope that 'Dr' isn't serious. Because his reasons are hilarious
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 10:08 PM   #9
narobi foss
Starfighter
73 flights since May 2004
Location: birth canal
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

what a load of bollocks.
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Old Oct 29, 2004, 11:25 PM   #10
Optimus Prime
Autobot Commander
Optimus Prime's Avatar
2,027 flights since Dec 2003
Location: Homeworld: Cybertron. the great Autobot city of Iacon
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

That's the stupidest crap I've ever read, Dr, my a$$.

Wise old wizard clearly stolen from 'Harry Potter'. Where do these losers come up with these ridiculous articles. Amazing they have time to waste coming up with it all.


On another note If you all know Foamy the Squirrel, you know the true master of truth. For all those that don't, go to www.illwillpress.com

Now there's some funny stuff
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Old Oct 30, 2004, 06:57 AM   #11
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
Splendiferous's Avatar
3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Ok, having read properly the whole list of reasons, my sense of humour has returned, and this perhaps-a-doctor-after-all is actually quite funny.

Although he has a valid point ...

Rationalization for violence.

Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?


Poor thing
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Old Oct 30, 2004, 03:00 PM   #12
Jove
Sector Marshall
Jove's Avatar
743 flights since Nov 2002
Location: In front of my computer.
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

There's a whole forum of his reviews and subsequent abusive responses: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/...forum.php?f=11

Very funny stuff.

Last edited by Jove : Oct 30, 2004 at 03:06 PM.
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Old Oct 31, 2004, 03:19 PM   #13
Unregistered
n/a flights since
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

that was gay. you are gay for posting that. that doc is the gayest of all gay *****es ever. god. what a ****in homo *****. what kind of ***** doesnt like lord of the rings. if you dont you should go and burn in hell forever.
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Old Jul 13, 2006, 08:34 PM   #14
davecallaway200
Wing Commander
davecallaway200's Avatar
206 flights since Jun 2006
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Is this guy seriously whacked in the head or what

this is so funny

Last edited by davecallaway200 : Jul 13, 2006 at 09:00 PM.
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Old Jul 13, 2006, 08:55 PM   #15
Iwata
Autarch
Iwata's Avatar
2,558 flights since Aug 2001
Location: Helghan
Re: 50 Reasons why LotR Sucks

Quote:
The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4

You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.

Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.

I love this one...
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