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Old Feb 8, 2007, 07:29 PM   #1
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

A Sciflicks Movie! Whooo! It's been quite a while since we did one of these, hasn't it? No? Tough, I'm starting another one The theme this time is, in case you hadn't guessed - Westerns! Cowboys! Indians! Mexicans! Saloons! Er, and all that jazz! Only it's a SF Western, so pretty much anything goes. Take it away ...


(Black screen. Silence. After a couple of seconds there is a gunshot, a small bullethole appears in the blackness. A thin trickle of blood spills down as the gun fires again, and again. The sound of the gun fades out as the swelling orchestral overture rises, though the bulletholes keep appearing, faster and faster. Soon the screen is awash with blood as the music reaches a crescendo. Cut to a harsh unforgiving desert wasteland, scrub and dust for miles around, with a little ranch in the distance. A spaceship flies overhead, for no real reason than to emphasise that this is a SF Western. No, it's not Serenity. Stop looking at me like that.)

VOICEOVER : This is a story about blood.

(A small dust cloud is seen on the far left of the screen, and a couple of tiny brown specks approach the ranch, but the hooves are as loud as if the camera was in extreme closeup on them {though it isn't})

VO : This is a story about honour.

(The sound of a shotgun is heard {again, louder than you'd expect considering we're only looking at specks right now}, and a horse whinnies. There is a colossal thud, as of a horse hitting the ground)

VO : This is a story about revenge.

(A male voice screams and is cut off abruptly with another gunshot)

VO : But then ... aren't they all?

(Cut to a low-to-the-ground shot of a man cradling a bullet-ridden young boy in his arms, discarded shotgun at his feet. Another young boy watches wide-eyed from a window in the ranch behind them. There is a musical trill as a black booted foot appears from the left side of the screen. Another trill as the second boot appears, framing the father and son between the legs.)

Voice from offscreen : You were warned.

(There's the sound of a pistol being cocked - only all futuristic like, with a high-pitched whine like on Babylon 5. The father's eyes go wide, and he tries to pull a revolver from his dead son's fingers. A gunshot rings out, the scene freezes, turns grey, then fades to black. The main theme plays again and the title Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West appears, followed by the words A Light Entertainment Production.)

Last edited by Splendiferous : Jun 7, 2007 at 05:35 AM.
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Old Feb 9, 2007, 04:33 AM   #2
Nexus
Psycho Teddy Sausage
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3,648 flights since Dec 2001
Location: Seraph's pocket
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

A few years earlier...

*The Nice family's cabin. The family are sitting together, when all of a sudden Splend enters.*

Mrs. Nice:
Oh, Splend! Where have you been?

Splend:
'Lo.

Mrs. Nice:
Oh, it's so good to see you again!

Mr. Nice:
Ah, is this the man who claimed he loved you, only to go out and fight in the Spam Wars, leaving you all alone, even three years after it ended?

Splend:
(grumble mumble)

Mrs. Nice:
(to Splend) Oh, I'm so sorry, Splend...this is my new husband. I, I...

Splend:
(nods sadly)

*Nex Nice enters.*

Nex:
Hey, who is this? Is this teh guest?

Splend:
(glares) 'Teh'? What're you, a half-breed?

Mrs. Nice:
Splend, please don't get mad. This is our adopted son. His mother was a...was a...spa -

Splend:
Right.

*Awkward silence.*

Splend:
I think I should leave...

Mrs. Nice:
Oh, please don't! We'd love to have you with us for lunch! Though I don't think we have any -

Splend:
(harshly) I'll buy us something to eat.

Mrs. Nice:
Oh, good! Nex can go with you. A lot has changed since you...left us, he can show you where to go.

*Dissolve cut. Splend and Nex are seen leaving a small town. Nex is carrying lots of stuff, while Splend just walks quietly.*

Nex:
You don't say much, do you?

Splend:
No.

Nex:
Is it because I'm part-spammer? I hate spambots as much as you do, really!

Splend:
Sure you do.

*They insatntly stop walking - the cabin is on fire! Nex drops all the food and the two of them run towards it. The cabin's walls have graffiti all over them, saying things like, "LOLZ", "ZOMG AWESOMENESS!!!!111111!" and "Buy a Nokia N93i For $230usd". Splend opens the cabin door, gasps and quickly slams it. Nex tries to enter but Splend pushes him away.*

Splend:
No! Don't look...it's too horrific!

Nex:
What's happened?!

Splend:
They...they've been spammed!
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Old Feb 9, 2007, 05:14 AM   #3
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

(Splend grits his teeth as sorrowful music plays. Motioning for Nex to stay put, he opens the door again and slowly walks inside. Bodies are strewn everywhere, all dressed in identical drab grey clothes. The walls are spreaypainted gaudy colours with suggestions to buy genital-enhancing machines and fake pills. He crouches, turns a body over to look at its face. The body hasn't got one. It's even impossible to tell it was male or female. Just then, the door opens noisily and a large man wearing a sherrif's badge bursts in. He stops dead when he sees Splend.)

Sherrif : (Cautiously) Who are you?

Splend : (Standing up and wiping his hands on his trousers as if in barely restrained disgust that he's touched a Spammed body) These people ... The whole town like this?

Sherrif : (Shaking his head) Nah, it's just a few houses and stores on the outskirts of town. Damn fools don't want to set up spam-detectors on their perimeter, what do they expect? Spam-bots see an unprotected building, they're gonna take it as a challenge, like. These poor bastards didn't do themselves no favours, and the paid the ultimate price. Spam. Takes away your life, your identity, some folks even say your soul. Enough of that, though, who are you?

Splend : Spam problem bad round here now?

Sherrif : No, I told you, it's all under control. Now who are you?

Splend : (Lights a cigar, puts it in his mouth, takes a deep breath, chokes and throws it over his shoulder) Spam never used to be a problem in these parts when Sherrif Iwata was in charge.

(The sherrif narrows his eyes and his hand drops casually to his holster)

Sherrif : (Close-lipped)Iwata don't work here no more, stranger. And I reckon you'd better tell me who you are. Now.

(Splend glances at the gun and shrugs almost unnoticeably. He doesn't look concerned. Nex pops his head round, grinning happily.)

Nex : 'lo Sherrif! This is teh Splend, he used to be with Ma Nice, but then it seems he went off to fight in teh Spam Wars, but now he's back and Ma's re-married so he probably feels real out of place and -

(Nex stops abruptly as Splend shoots him a foul-tempered look)

Splend : (Sulking) Damn, boy, you ruined my air of mystery.

Last edited by Splendiferous : Jun 7, 2007 at 05:37 AM.
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Old Feb 9, 2007, 06:26 AM   #4
Darth Bob
The Eld
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1,279 flights since Sep 2002
Location: The Dark Tower
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*at a train station not too far away, but far away enough so that no shooting can be heard by anyone in town, three desperado's with mullets, and chisled jaws and big cigars, wait patiently as the train pulls in slowly with a long drawn out screech, they wait for someone to get off, but it's not long before the train leaves with no-one having gotten off, as they walk away.. they hear a saxaphone behind them, playing an eerie blues tune, they spin round*

Saxaphone: and Frodo?

Chisled goon one: Frodo? who the hell's frodo?

Chisled goon two: Does he mean the ringbearer?

Chisled goon three: He's dead ain't he?

Chisled goon one: Let's just shoot this guy, and forget about frodo

Saxaphone: wrong answer.

<<Pulls out two pistols and leaps sideways firing bullets at the goons, as he hits the ground they fall down dead, and Saxaphone gets up and walks over to the bodies and kicks them, then takes out there wallets, pockets all their money and walks off>>
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Old Feb 9, 2007, 06:55 AM   #5
Nexus
Psycho Teddy Sausage
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3,648 flights since Dec 2001
Location: Seraph's pocket
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*The sherrif's men start packing up the bodies.*

Nex:
There's one missing! My sister-in-law, Seraph!

Sherrif:
Those bastards...they've taken her away.

Nex:
What?! Where?! What will they do to her?

Sherrif:
Well, they'll -

Splend:
You don't wanna know.

Nex:
Tell me! We've got to get her back! We'll find the spammers that did this and get her back!

*Cut to Splend and Nex on their own horses, riding through the wasteland. Some time has passed. It starts snowing.*

Nex:
So is she alive? We have to search for her and get her back!

Splend:
She is alive, she's safe... for a while. They'll keep her to raise her as one of their own till, until she's of an age to...

Nex:
Don't you think there's a chance we still might find her?

Splend:
Spambots will chase a thing till he thinks he's chased it enough. Then he quits. Same way when he runs. Seems like he never learns there's such a thing as a critter that'll just keep comin' on. So we'll find 'em in the end, I promise you. We'll find 'em. Just as sure as the...turnin' of the -

Nex:
Yes! And we'll get Seraph back, and then we can go back home and have tea and biscuits!

Splend:
Yeah...when we find her, we'll do that...*checks if his guns are loaded*
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Old Feb 10, 2007, 05:20 AM   #6
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

(Hours have passed. Splend has a weary look on his face, Nex is rabbitting on)

Nex : ... and a horse of my very own and a stable to keep him in and a Fisher Price castle with a moat and a real working scale model of teh ultra-railway train and a bag of pineapples and a jar of jam and a bag of donuts and a peace pipe and a big bag of money and fleet of Admiral Class starships and a orange and a puppy and a toy talking spambot helmet. And then Santa hit me with a brick.

Splend : I bet.

(Splend glances up. Over the trees, a column of black smoke rises. Splend and Nex spur their horses on, riding on and on through the bushes until they reach a clearing, where they slowly dismount. Inside the clearing is chaos. Disassembled spambots - all cybernetic parts, rusty tin and rotton organs and flesh - lie everywhere. The carnage is horrifying. Not a hint of emotion shows on Splend's face. Nex looks sad at the tragic loss of life, however spammy it may have been. He is careful to stand behind Splend, though, so his face doesn't show.)

Nex : She's not here!

(He runs around the clearing looking for Seraph, kicking aside tin cans, futuristic crates and tent canvas. No Seraph. Splend kneels beside his horse and runs his fingers through the dirt.)

Splend : Tracks. Not another tribe of spambots. Human. There must be a settlement near here. Good, I could do with a drink.

Nex : My sister-in-law is still missing! You can't drink at a time like this!

Splend : We're going to a saloon. The saloon's in the town. Girl's in the town. Our girl.

Nex : Should ... should we say a prayer? For the dead?

(Soft music plays as the camera takes in the carnage again in a 360 degree pan. It hardens as the camera returns to Splend's face.)

Splend : I got a prayer.

(He spits violently on the ground, mounts his horse ands starts to ride away. After a moment, Nex follows. The camera doesn't follow them. Instead, it lowers slowly to ground level, where a spambot arm lies in the dirt. After a moment or two, it twitches.)

Last edited by Splendiferous : Feb 10, 2007 at 05:38 AM.
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Old Feb 10, 2007, 06:48 AM   #7
Nexus
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3,648 flights since Dec 2001
Location: Seraph's pocket
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*A town. It's mostly quite empty except for a small group of people crowded round a platform where a man, Sharky, is about to be hanged.*

Fat Man With A Comically-Shaped Nose:
Wanted in three counties of this state, the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of: murder, armed robbery of citizens, state banks, and post offices; the theft of sacred objects; arson in a state prison; knitting during the fishing season; bigamy -

:
Yes, and it's big of me too!

Fat Man With A Comically-Shaped Nose:
Er, right...kidnapping, extortion, feeding a moose alcoholic beverages, serving gasoline as a beverage at a party, receiving stolen goods, selling stolen goods, putting graffiti on someone else's mule, deserting wife and children; and, finally, using public transportation only 30 minutes after eating garlic. Therefore, according to the powers vested in us -

Crowd of people:
Get on with it!

Fat Man With A Comically-Shaped Nose:
- we sentence the accused here before us...Jon Superfly Bazzlegut Mansour, known as the "Shark", and any other aliases he might have...to hang by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on his soul. Proceed!

*A gunshot is heard and the rope snaps. Sharky conveniently lands on someone's horse, albeit facing in the wrong direction, and the horse immediately runs off to the outside of town. Saxophone is there, waiting for him.*

Sharky:
Next time, I'll be the one who cuts the rope!

Saxophone:
No.

Sharky:
My neck hurts! I don't want to do this anymore!

Saxophone:
All right, I won't pay you and let you die in the desert then.

Sharky:
Wha-? No! Get me off this horse! Why can't I move? Aaaaargh! (voice fades away as horse keeps running into the distance, until both of them have vanished from sight)

*As Sharky leaves, Nex and Splend arrive to enter the town to go to the saloon...*

Saxophone:
Intriguing...
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Old Feb 12, 2007, 07:16 AM   #8
Darth Bob
The Eld
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1,279 flights since Sep 2002
Location: The Dark Tower
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*Saxaphone rubs his chin thoughtfully,before turning and walking into the barbershop*

Saxaphone: Shave and a bath, and a couple of ladies of the night

sterotypical Asian looking owner with strong british upper class accent: we got the hookers and the bath, but we don't do no shaving in this establishment

Saxaphone: but the sign says this is a barbershop

Salow: it's an old sign, from when I was in a barbershop quartet, now we just do baths n hookers, or baths of hookers, but that costs extra.

Saxaphone: I'll just have the ordinary bath then, and get me a shaving kit.

Salow: I SAID NO SHAVING DAMNIT! OUT OUT OUT!

*Saxaphone gets pushed out into the street and lands on Nexus*

saxaphone: what the hell's his problem?

Splend: he doesn't do shaving, something to do with the barbershop thing, went wrong, musical differences, he got kicked out

Nexus: get off of me

Saxaphone: well I didn't need a shave anyway, or the hookers, I'll start my own casino with blackjack and hookers

Splend: but that was a barbershop, what do casino's have to do with anything?

Nexus: I'm lying in horse sh...

*Saxaphone cuts in*

Saxaphone: nothing , nothing at all.

*he gets up and wipes his boots on nexus's back*

Saxaphone: thats a mighty fine doormat you have here.

Splend: thats not a ... nevermind, Im going for a drink, thats what I came here for.

Saxaphone: intresting, im here looking for a mean despardo with a $10 million bounty on both his ears, wanted dead or alive... first 10 contestants get entered into a luxurey prize draw, for a cruise in the carribbean, courtesy of RoboP and CyberQpo, and I want that cruise.
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Old Feb 12, 2007, 08:01 AM   #9
Wachesaw
Wing Commander
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428 flights since Mar 2003
Location: हरे कृष्णा हरे रामा
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

Splend:
(to bartender)
...You ever have problems with spammers round these parts?

Bartender: Heck'f I know. Just moved in here. Hey, uh, if yer lookin ta hear bout them old times, ya should talk to that there man there.

(The bartender points across the fighting, drunken, whoring, Digital Poker-playing crowd to a bald old man sitting at a table, engaged in discussion with no one in particular. Splend strides up to his table.)


Splend: Who are you?

Man: You got a lot of guts, stranger. Stroling up to me like you're the king of the galaxy, and asking me who I am.

Splend: ......

Man: *glares*

Splend: *glares*

Man: I like your style, son. They call me Smith. Hay-Wired Smith.
(he holds up his arm, which happens to be cybernetic, with wires made out of hay.)

Splend: They say you know about spammers.

Smith: They say a lot of things. Why you wanna know?

Splend: Let's just say it's... *grits teeth* ...personal.

(Camera stays on closeup of Splend's face for a few seconds. Cut to extreme closeup of Smith. He nods, silently. Short pause.)

Smith: I was a deputy in this town once. Back when spammers were a thing you read about in the (electronic) paper. When they could only be found on the wildest frontier.
...
Then came 3865. The worst year in the history of our town.
...
An outfit came into town. The worst kind. There were hoist-peddlers... Chocolate fountains... (shudders) penis enlargers. Nigerian Mailers. Even... even FREE MONEY!
We stood no chance. We did what we could to hide, underground, or flee the town. Those captured by the spamdidos did their best to ignore them... us, the deputies, even the Sheriff... they couldn't do anything.
When our town was a withered husk of what it once was, the spammers left town. They're still out there somewhere.

Splend: Where can we find them?

Smith: If I knew, either me or they would be dead by now. However, I can give you a name.

Nex: It's okay, he already has one!

Smith: An ex-spamdido. Best laser-slinger this side of Morricone Mountains. He was in the Twohundred-and-twentysecond outfit, but turned away from away from his spamming ways and became an eye surgeon...

(Suddenly, a Late-Night-New-York-Jazz tune starts playing.)

(Doors swing open)


Saxophone: Smith!
(Saxophone starts firing away)
Saxophone: You won't get their land.
(Smith is shot, but his haywired hand reaches for his gun)
Saxophone: They're not selling.
(Random people start shooting each other. Chaos ensues. Soon, a lot of the Random People are dead. Saxophone has disappeared behind the bar counter.)

Splend: Smith. Hey, Smith!

Smith: Urg...

Splend: Tell me his name! The eye surgeon!

Smith: Doctor... ugh... ergh... ...

Saxophone: Boothe. His name is Dr. William Boothe.

Splend: Who are you? Why did you kill Smith?

Saxophone: You don't know his secrets. He was an... affiliate of...

Splend: Of who (or whom)?

Saxophone: let's just say he was part of the wicked forces that are behind the spambots' attacks. The ones who want to buy the lands... and turn them into a... No. We must go. Now.

Nex: Okay.

(Splend looks out across the room.)

Splend: I'll find out who's behind this.

(Splend, Nex and Saxophone leave. The camera pans out so that we see the bar room. Suddenly, there's a movement among the dead bodies. Cut to closeup of Hay-wired Smith's body. He rises to his feet, rips off his shirt, and unbuckles a belt that was holding up a large metal plate, with dents and bullets in it.)

Last edited by Wachesaw : Feb 12, 2007 at 08:06 AM.
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Old Feb 12, 2007, 08:25 AM   #10
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

(Saxophone pulls out a watch from his duster pocket. As he flips the lid open, it plays a haunting melody, which after a bar or two turns into a heavy metal riff)

Sax : I've only got 10 minutes to get into that competition, and I don't want to be late. Bannana daiquiris and tide wait for no man, is that not right? Perhaps you fine gentlemen would like to accompany me down to the office? Way I figure it, this is a pretty rough town, and going to the sherrif's office on your own in a rough town would be like a game of Blind Man's Bluff at midnight on top of a rocky cliff - fun, but ultimately a tad counterproductive.

Nex : Hang on ... why don't we all join? As a team, like? Then we can split the money, and one of us can go on the cruise?

Sax and Splend : (Together) I work alone, kid.

Nex : Geez, sorry I asked. I was only thinking that a little money couldn't hurt while looking for Seraph, you know?

Sax : Ah, so that's your game! You're looking for someone? I got you figured, now! Well then, you should both come along with me down to the sherriff's office. Sherrif'll have all sorts of information on missing people. Pictures n stuff, right? After all, that's his job around here. Knowing useful stuff bout folks, helping folks out. It isn't all cruise-competition application forms and hiding from Spambots, no sir! If we could just move along...

(He smiles like a benevolant shark and puts a friendly arm round Splend's shoulder. He drops the smile and the arm as it's revealed that Splend has swiftly drawn his gun and put it to Sax's head)

Splend : I don't like being touched. I don't like sherrifs. And I don't like people I don't know - I find them hard to trust.

Sax : (Laughing as Splend holsters his weapon) A wise sentiment, my friend, a wise sentiment indeed! Why, trusting a stranger you've just met can sometimes be like putting you foot on a cybersnake while wearing nothing but pink furry lady-slippers - dangerous, I mean to say. But you all ask yourselves this - have you got any further leads on your missing friend besides that doctor fellow, whose office happens to be just a little further down the road than the Sherrif's?

(That said, he walks down the street. After a beat or two, Splend and Nex follow. After a moment or two, two black booted feet appear as in the first scene, framing our walking heroes)

Last edited by Splendiferous : Feb 12, 2007 at 09:02 AM.
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Old Feb 12, 2007, 10:53 AM   #11
Nexus
Psycho Teddy Sausage
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3,648 flights since Dec 2001
Location: Seraph's pocket
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*The film now cuts to a new area that is many miles away from our (anti-)heroes. It is a cave filled with spambots. A couple of innocent people are there, all of whom are in tears, as they desperately try and break free from the ropes that have them tied to the cave walls. The spambots are mostly running around like children, playing a sort of game, and are throwing objects at the people tied to the walls. The camera slowly zooms in at a table near the end of the cave, where a couple of spambots are having a discussion.*

Spambot #1:
(Woody Woodpecker-type voice) Hehehehe! We, like, gots new people joining our army! I say that weall get together and invade another town, this time leaving no suvivors! Hehehehehe!

Spambot #2:
(hyperactively) and any survivors we do leave behind can becum spambots as well and then we will be an even bigger army and then invade another town this time even bigger do the exact same fing all over again then masterbait lol.

Spambot #3:
Soon we'll become the most evilest goup of spambots in the West!! We need a name for ourselves. I say we shall become...The Magnificent Spammers.

Spambot #1:
No, that's pretentious!!

Spambot #2:
it's overrated, like toothpaste!!

Spambot #1:
If we're going ta have a name...we should be called...the Mighty Spambots!

Spambots #3:
Too overrated.

Spambot #2:
and boring!!

Spambot #1:
Well, what do you think we should be called? Hahaha!!

Spambot #2:
the spambots

Spambot #3:
That's THE WORST NAME EVER!!!!!!

Spambot #1:
And it's pretentious!

Spambot #3:
You're WRONG! The Mighty Spambots is pretentious!!

Spambot #2:
they're ALL pretentious. and overrated.

*Spambot #4 enters the conversation.*

Spambot #4:
Pardon me, but if something was never rated that highly, how on earth could it possibly be 'overrated'?

All:
...

Spambot #3:
Shut up! You're pretentious! *shoots Spambot #4. The others all laugh hysterically, like Gremlins.*

*Cut back to the town...*
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Old Feb 17, 2007, 06:11 AM   #12
Darth Bob
The Eld
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1,279 flights since Sep 2002
Location: The Dark Tower
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*tumbleweed rolls by, a man falls over with a knife in his back, and the spanish inquistion run on, pick up the corpse and run off*
*cut to tv studio ala wheel of fortune*

Host: Ok mysterious saxaphone playing bounty hunter person.

Sax: just call me Saxaphone.

Host: The clue is Song and group, choose your letters

Sax: Q.. X, another X, the number 3, a human skull, an ewok, and optimus prime and a backwards slash

*the sexy assisstant turns over all the boards revealing the answer*

Host: amazing! optimus prime and the ewoks QXX\ number 3 human skull, from there latest album

Saxaphone: can I choose my prize now?

Host: sure!

Saxaphone: I want the cruise, that new saxaphone over there, hmm, the sexy assisstant... and hmm, that t-14 hyperdrive unit

*in audience*

Qui gon: Damnit. tell watto the bet's off

Watto: No way. your ship is mine , you loose jedi

Jar-jar: Mesa thinks we shoulda truste - erk

*Qui gon begins strangaling jar jar*

Saxaphone: well that was random
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Old Feb 17, 2007, 05:02 PM   #13
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

(Splend walks onto the set, scratching his head and holding a sheaf of papers. He is dressed in ordinary modern clothes and looks very confused.)

Splend : Erm, Bob, I'm a little confused. I can't seem to find this page in the script.

Sax/Bob : Dammit, man, the cameras are rolling, call me Sax!

(He snatches the script from Splend's hands and turns his back to the screen. There are a couple of comedy sound effects {ripping, scribbling, stapling} and he turns back round and thrusts the script back to Splend.)

Sax/Bob : Anyway, I don't know what you're talking about. It's right here in red and white, on page 23 and a half.

(Extreme closeup on the script - the above scene is written on half a tea-stained page, in scribbly red ink)

Splend : Mmmhmmm. Yeah. Well, it's still a little fuzzy. See, there's the whole mention of a bounty hunting competition -

Sax/Bob : I never mentioned a bounty hunting competition. I mentioned a bounty, yes, and a competion - but not a bounty hunting competion.

Jar-Jar : Meesa -

Splend : Shut the **** up, Ears, no one's talking to you.

Jar-Jar : (In a posh English accent) Well, that's it, that's the final straw, I'm writing to my agent. I shall not suffer this abuse any further. I played Hamlet, for Christ's sakes ...

(Jar-Jar storms off the set.)

Host : Look, can we wrap this up? I've got another movie to shoot. I'm in a dream sequence - man dreams he's a contestant in a gameshow, kisses his mother, sees midgets, the usual stuff.

Splend : Hmmm. Can we say 'midgets'? Is it too politically incorrect these days? I don't know, we could be risking a media backlash -

Audience : GET ON WITH IT!!!

Last edited by Splendiferous : Feb 19, 2007 at 10:59 AM.
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Old Jun 7, 2007, 06:07 AM   #14
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

(The film grinds to a halt, and the director, cast and crew can all be heard shouting, swearing and arguing. Someone throws a punch and it turns into a free-for-all. Several people in weird costumes clearly not even involved in the film turn up to join the fight. A bloodstained sign reading 'Technical difficulties' is held up shakily in front of the camera.)

Voiceover: We would like to apologise for the delay in the continuation of our main feature film. While the projectionist is busy finding the reel in which the film actually resumes, we will be having a short intermission. Er. It may be a rather long one. We could, of course, have simply edited the highly unprofessional fight out comepletely, but none of us realised we could do that until it was too late. Again, we apologsise for the inconveince and hope that you enjoy the remainder of the film. Um. When it starts up again.

(The lights turn on, the curtain falls, everyone trundles out to go the loo.)
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Old Jun 7, 2007, 09:57 AM   #15
Darth Bob
The Eld
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1,279 flights since Sep 2002
Location: The Dark Tower
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

***Blackscreen only voices***
Sax: are we rolling? we're rolling.... ok.,.. umm... Line!

Splend: what act what act are we on!

Nexus: this stain still isn't coming out, im still covered in horse shi

director : We're on again in 5 ... 4... 3... 2... 1...

****** curtain draws back, everyones in a bar again *****

Splend: I'll have a whiskey, straight up, with some ice and a bit of lemon.

Sax: I'll have a Bannana daiquiris just won a Cru---

**sees splend franticly making hand movements across the throat**

Sax: ..ahhahah of course I mean, i'll take a beer in a dirty bottle, and the kid will have some milk in a dirty glass,

Barman: will there be any gun fights? i need's ta move the expensive bottles if there is.

Sax: well, im not planning on any...

Splend: just give us the drinks so we can continue acting like nothing happended.

Splend: maybe therse should be a gun fight to get things mvoing properly

nexus: we could all go outside and just start shooting randomly

Sax: or we could wait for the villians to show up for the initial gun fight, where nobody actually dies, but the hero's manage to drive off the villians and then begin to prepare for the next fight?
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