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Old Jun 7, 2007, 03:55 PM   #16
Seraph's Avatar
2,121 flights since Feb 2003
Location: Somewhere between Lucifer and Limbo
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

Yay story! Yay western! Yay excuse to watch old movies! WTF? Sister to a half bred spam bot? Someone's gonna pay (I do NOT want to know what this makes Splend to me) WOOOOOH Hold it! Sister-in-LAW?! What freakin eejit married me off? And to who? Or what? Or damn, do I really wanna know?

Hmmm damn, now I have a conundrum, imaginative way to get out of this origin-ified mess.

Blackness. Something's dripping. A rustle, a flash, a spark. Something catches. A magic burning dot eats it's way into the darkness, a trail of glowing embers slowly fade behind it.

Mysterious Voice
: One mississipi....two mississipi...three mississipi...
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Old Jun 7, 2007, 06:56 PM   #17
Old One Pikeman
Splendiferous's Avatar
3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

I have to admit, I was scratching my head over the whole 'sister-in-law' thing - I wondered if Nex meant you were his adopted step-sister or what... confusion reigns, what fun! As it stands, I don't think you're any relation to me

(As the voice says 'Five Mississpioh****' a barrel is shown for a split second before there is a deafening explosion and the screen fades to white. Dissolve cut back to the bar.)

Sax : And that's when they made me their chief.

(Cut to a poker game in the corner. A player is revealed to have an ace or two hidden up his sleeve - the table is overturned, every player jumps to hteir feet, everyone in the bar - our antih-heroes included - draws a pistol and points it at each other. The music is tense, cut to several shots of people's eyes, sweaty foreheads and itchy fingers. Suddenly the saloon bars swing open and a blond kid with glasses bursts in with a huge grin.)

Kid : Milky Bars are on me!

(Without a word, Sax guns him down and everyone in the bar cheers, troubles clearly forgotten.)

Barman : I've been wanting to do that for years.

Last edited by Splendiferous : Jun 7, 2007 at 07:26 PM.
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Old Jun 7, 2007, 07:09 PM   #18
Seraph's Avatar
2,121 flights since Feb 2003
Location: Somewhere between Lucifer and Limbo
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

plit beore?
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Old Jun 7, 2007, 07:13 PM   #19
Old One Pikeman
Splendiferous's Avatar
3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

Originally Posted by Seraph
plit beore?


I have no idea what you're saying there


Ok, I get it now. Here's me makingt the mistake of thinking you're speaking in tongues when it turns out I'M speaking in tounges My excuse? I'm not sober yet! And my fingers are rubbish at typing

Duly fixed.

Last edited by Splendiferous : Jun 7, 2007 at 07:26 PM.
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Old Jun 7, 2007, 08:08 PM   #20
Cluster Admiral
Sharky's Avatar
1,670 flights since Nov 2001
Location: Chilling with Stuntman Mike...
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

*Sharky is still stuck on his horse. It appears that Sax had left superglue on the saddle and in the stirrups*

Sharky - To himself: There's only one thing for it...

*He slips his feet out of his boots, and with great difficulty he unbuckles his trousers and falls clumsily off the horse, which carries on running.

Sharky: Of all the days, why did I go commando on this day?

*He takes stock of himself and his surroundings. Bootless, pant-less and wearing only a shirt and a hat. There were a few lights in the distance. There was nothing for it. He'd have to go by foot, naked from the waste down.

Sometime later, he entered a local saloon. Unlike most towns, this town had a space saloon, where all sorts of riff-raff from every corner of the galaxy would come and spend a month's pay in 3 minutes. He'd worried for a momant that the warrant for his arrest might have shown up in this town, but it appeared folk here didn't give a damn about local troubles. The saloon was not exactly comprised of normal beings, but Sharky's appearance was enough to silence the entire place. All eyes were on him - a lot were on a specific part of him. The whores' eyes all sparkled as if in unison. The men looked uneasy and self-concious.

Sharky selected a being who looked like he could give him what he was after.*

Sharky: I need your clothes, your boots and your air-cycle!

*10 minutes later, Sharky appeared outside the space-saloon, decked out in the finest leathers and a with a new organic-space-hat which had already molded itself to his head. A small boy looked up at him in awe.*

Boy: Gee, mister! How did you convince that guy to give you all his clothes and money!

*Sharky stopped and looked at the kid. His eyes flashed at the boy, who's face suddenly became a mask of terror*

Boy - under his breath: Spammer!

*The boy fled. Sharky laughed and put on some organic-shades he'd acquired. He then found the air-cycle that had belonged to the guy in the saloon, mounted it, started it up and was off into the night*

Voice Over: There's obviously more to that guy than meets the eye....
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Old Jun 9, 2007, 10:26 AM   #21
Old One Pikeman
Splendiferous's Avatar
3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

(As our anti-heroes sip their drinks, the saloon doors swing open. As a matter of course, all activity ceases, all talking drops to hushed whispers and all heads turn to look at the new entrant. He is a tall man, dressed all in black preacher’s clothes, with slicked back hair. He has a benevolent smile and a bionic eye which scans the room, swivelling jerkily in its socket. The bartender spits on the counter, at which Sax tuts.)

Bartender : You ain’t welcome here. I done told you not come back in here – I ain’t selling, and that’s the end of it. Now git.

(The preacher shakes his head, still smiling. He takes a step forward, at which the bartender reaches down and pulls a shotgun from under the counter. Splend and Sax each sidestep gracefully and discretely out of the way, Splend pulling Nex with him. This is clearly not their fight … yet … )

Preacher : Now, now, there’s no need for all that. Put your shotgun down, sir, there’s a good fellow. I’m just here to ask you one final time. Give you a final chance at retribution, so to speak. You see, this establishment is a terrible, godless place, its clientele godless heathens who cavort, and drink, and gamble. Not to mention the prostitution. In short, it is an unholy abomination, a hive of scum and villainy, and it is my divine duty to shut you down … by any means. Now I ask you again … will you sell me this bar so that I may tear it down and build in its place a glorious Church of the Order of the Sausage?

(The bartender spits on the counter again, and Sax wipes the spittle away with a handkerchief. The preacher shakes his head sadly.)

Preacher : Oh dear. I was so hoping to avoid this, honestly I was. As it is, you leave me no choice. Know that, as an ordained minister, I abhor violence of all forms … which is naturally why I won’t be indulging in any …

(At this, the saloon doors burst open behind him and a dozen armed men burst into the room, guns blazing. The Preacher merely stands still, framed by shooting men. The shooters are indiscriminate; bottles, tables and patrons alike are swiss-cheesed. Various saloon customers - Splend, Sax and Nex included - draw their guns and begin firing. Splend overturns a table and the three of them crouch behind it, using it as cover, their backs to the bar. The bartender falls, a bullet through the head. Random people die horribly and violently, but they’re not our heroes, so it doesn’t matter as long as they look cool when they die. Hooray for violence in films! Er, anyway. In the grand tradition of western saloon-fighting, there also ensues a fist-fight in which bottles are smashed and chairs broken over people's heads. Someone is thrown out into the street through the big glass window next to the doors. Only a few of the Preacher’s men go down, but he gives a signal to retreat anyway. He is the last one out the door, and he turns, surveying the damage. He shakes his head sadly.)

Preacher: What a senseless loss of human life. I strongly suggest everyone leaves the building, I would hate to be responsible for any deaths.

(With this, he pulls a thermal grenade out of his pocket, arms it, tosses behind the counter of the bar and exits. Splend and Sax exchange a glance and, after a beat, run out the building. Nex has to be dragged behind them as he is staring dumbly at the body of one of the Preacher's men. They run across the street – and not a moment to soon, because the entire building explodes in a fiery cataclysm, throwing our heroes to the ground. They stand up, dusting themselves down.)

Sax : Well, that was a fun diversion. What would you like to do next? Now that I’ve missed the deadline for that competition I find myself with free time on my hands – and a man with free time on his hands is like a man pacing up and down in a prison cell – distracted and restless, I mean to say. You going to see that Dr. Boothe yet?

Nex : …

Splend : (cuffing Nex around the ear) What the hell is the matter with you, boy? You got lead feet? I can’t let you slow me down forever.

Nex : I … I killed one of those guys in there!

(Nex looks at his hands in horror as Sax grins broadly. Splend’s face is hidden by the brim of his hat.)

Nex : One minute he was alive, the next he was … dead. Dead on teh ground. I killed him.

Sax : (puts his arm around Nex’s shoulders) Why, boy, that only means you’re a man, now! Well done, your first kill! You should be feeling mighty proud of yourself now.

(Nex turns to Splend, and we see Splend’s reaction. He is disgusted, and a step away from furious.)

Splend : Killing don’t make you a man, boy. Especially not the likes of you. You got a long ways to go yet. Just be glad you didn’t try to sell him nothing.

Sax : Why, you can’t take away this boy’s manhood just on account of some vague moral issues you’ve obviously got to sort out for yourself, Mr. High And Mighty Mysterious Stranger Man – this here boy has proven himself today, and it don’t matter if he’s part spambot or part burro, he’s OK by me. You should get off your high horse and join us little people down here sometime.

(Splend sneers and turns away, lighting another cigar he has no intention of actually smoking. In the distance, the town’s sherrif is riding up to investigate the commotion. A group of the saloon's ... er ... 'ladies of the night' emerge from the wreckage and gather around the three men.)

Lady : Aw, nuts. Now where are we going to do business?

(Sax grins broader than ever and puts an arm around two ladies' waists. We winks as he walks off with them.)

Sax : (fading as he walks away) Ladies, ladies, ladies ... I know an old abandoned mine where we can ...

(The sheriff rides up and reigns in his horse. He surveys the wreckage and shakes his head)

Sheriff : Well, goddamnit! That's the second explosion in 20 minutes!

Splend : Second?

Sheriff : Yeah - our old abandoned mine blew up too.

Sax : (offscreen) Bugger.

Lady : (offscreen) That'll cost extra.

Last edited by Splendiferous : Jun 9, 2007 at 12:15 PM.
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Old Jul 5, 2007, 04:45 AM   #22
Sector Marshall
Kieraganion's Avatar
782 flights since Oct 2002
Location: F city, F Prefecture (ACROSS Basement).
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

"Jesus... Quite a mess here."

A shadow is thrown on dusted a cracked ground from the merciless sun of a mid summer dessert day. The camera pans up to view a man on a horse silhouetted against the bright sun, his features obscured from the glare.

"Where, or better yet, when have I gotten myself now..."

The rider "clicks" to the horse and a bellow of dust is kicked up behind them as they ride into town.

Nex: Putting my manhood aside for just a sec here, where in sam hell are we going to hide?

Splend: I reckon thats not primary concern right now.

Nex: Explain to me how it ain't. If we aints got no to place to hide, that priest is sure to kill us good.

Splend: I humbly point your keen sense of deduction to that there man.

Nex: What in the blazes are you yappin about? I don't see anyone.

Sherrif: That's cause your peepers are not looking in the right direction, he's behind you.


Mystery Man: Not today.

Sheriff: You best getting to an explanition right quick of who you are or there is liable to be an accident of sorts.

Splend: Hold on a sec now, I think I recognize him.... Clint Eastwood?

Mystery Man: Ahh hell! What have you gotten me into now Al?

An odd sound is suddenly heard, similar to a holographic "phase in"

Al: Yes, I'd best get to an explanation. It appears you are now in Kansas during the mid 1800s. You've possessed the body of a popular Western star named Clint Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood: I vaguely recall hearing that name before. But for the sake of avoiding confusion, you can call me kier.

Nex: And you know where we can hide?

Kier/Clint: No.

Last edited by Kieraganion : Jul 5, 2007 at 04:52 AM.
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Old Jul 24, 2007, 06:55 PM   #23
Spawn of Nurgle
Tack's Avatar
1,492 flights since Dec 2001
Location: Portland, Oregon.
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

Ron: Harry, we've got to find a way to stop the You-Know-Whats...

Harry: Yeah well Ron, you just dont understand how difficult it is to lose somone you love to Spam-bots do you?

Ron: AHHHH!!! Dont Use they're name! its cursed! We're going to be spammed now, I just know it!

Harry: Dont be silly Ron, its just a na.... AGHHH


~Not far away hidden in some brush~

Splend: You said you wanted to find your sister, well theres the spammers, I think we're getting close

Nex: Look at all teh blood...
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Old Sep 8, 2007, 12:33 AM   #24
The one......
Sector Marshall
The one......'s Avatar
600 flights since Dec 2002
Location: inside my mind-wanna join me?
Re: Once Upon a Sciflicks in the West

The one..... well you knew I would arrive at some point, didn't you?

*mumbles of maybe and a quiet wtf*

The one.... the thing is I don't quite get what's going on all the time and I need gentle reminders. It's like I fall into a deep sleep and then wake up.
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