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Old Jan 3, 2003, 06:46 PM   #16
Splendiferous
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Thanks ... I was getting there, I was getting there

Suddenly, a huge crack appears in the ground, and a full-grown dwarf springs out of the hole.

"Hmmm," said Pred, "the rumours are true - there ARE no dwarf women."

"What do you want, Oh Short One?" askeds Splend, hand lowering to his holster. The dwarf grinned.

"Will," he said, "I wants to beey freindes with yoo"

Pred shook his head, puzzled. "Who's Will?" he asked. "And why is this guy talking like a 4 year old?"

"Actually, I'd say he's 3 years old. He seems to be persevering, despite his obious speech problem."

Pause.

"Let's kill him."
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 06:51 PM   #17
Predalien
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Location: Leeds, England, The Earth (also lived in other places such as Bristol and Exeter)
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

"But but but but...git this" replied the dwarf " You can't keeell me, I can only be killed by decebtion"

"What" continued Predn, Splendi was annoyed now, a cold droplet of sweat slowly rolled down his left cheak, and dripped onto the floor. To his surprise, it made a small splash and an echo which caught the attention of the dwarf

"Aah, there's noo neeeed to be afreed or keeell me, I will only appear at inappropriate times to annoy you with my spam, 4years past it's sell by date

"Good god, you're insane!" Predn yells

Splendi drew his gun, but he was too late, the dwarf was gone, gonei into the maze that was this subway.

"I'll get you dwarf...oh yes, I'll get you." And with that Splendi replaces his gun in his holster and becons Predn to follow on, to continue the journey.

Last edited by Predalien : Jan 4, 2003 at 09:07 AM.
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 06:59 PM   #18
Splendiferous
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Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

"Don't stop me now, Pred," said Splend.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"No, I mean Don't Stop Me Now, by Queen, that's what's playing on my discman, listen!"

They listened. It was good.

"That's good," said Pred. "Got any Tool?"

"No."

They walked for a while, turning first left, then right, then left again.

Pred : We're lost again.

Splend : Nope, we're just locationally challenged. If only we could use this meat bag to construct a navigational device ...

Ped : (a crazy gleam in his eye) Say, Splend ... let's use this meat bag to construct a navigational device!

Splend : My God, that's genius!
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 07:20 PM   #19
Predalien
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Location: Leeds, England, The Earth (also lived in other places such as Bristol and Exeter)
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Predn: See! Killing that old man wasn't such a bad idea after all!

Splendi: Well, morally, it was...

Predn: f*ck morals, that man needed to learn some respect

Splendi: What the hell are you talking about?

Predn: You sure you haven't got any TOOL?

Splendi:Yes I'm sure...there, FINISHED! Our navigational device is complete!

Predn: And luckily we can keep this other meat bag the old man was carrying as a souvenir!

Splendi: hoorray!
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 07:29 PM   #20
Splendiferous
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Pred and Splend step back to admire their handiwork. Their navigational device is a large meat golem, with the word 'compass' scribbled onto a piece of paper inserted into his head. The golem slowly turns and walks North.

Splend : You know, I'm surprised none of the rest of the old gang are here. Nex always did boast about his treasure hoard, his precious jewels, his extensive heavy metal collection - most of the guys and girls would give their back teeth to get their hands on it. And, erm, to find Nex too, of course.

Pred : Well, there'd better be some plot development soon, Splend, cos my feet are aching from all this walking. and I think the audience are getting deep-vein thrombosis ...
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 07:35 PM   #21
Predalien
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Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

A Heavenly voice: Maybe SF can help?

Predn and Splendi together: Pardon?

The Heavenly voice: *clears throat* I said, maybe SF can help?

Predn: Yeah, I guess he would

Splendi: Yeah, let's just hope he comes across us...

Predn: I'll repeat that so it has more chance of happening...MAYBE SF_NOT_SCI-FI WILL COME ACROSS US.

Splendi: If not, then we can jsut walk through that door over there, that the golem has gone through...I'm sure there are plot developments in there.

Predn: Always good to have a back up plan
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 07:43 PM   #22
Splendiferous
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

The two adventurers wait outside, looking at their watches and sipping Coke. That's SIPPING, not SNORTING, in case you were wondering - we want a 12A rating for our extra-violent Lord of the Rings style movie

SF doesn't appear. They shrug, and enter the room.

Splend : Hey, Pred ...

Pred : Yea?

Splend : Have you ever visited Helga's House of Pain?

Pred : What, that S&M brothel between the Salvation Army building and the nursery on Oak Street? No, never ...

Splend : Right ... Me neither ...

Pred : And this room certainly looks NOTHING like Mistriss Agony's room ...

Splend : That's just what I was thinking ....

In denial though they may be, Splend and Pred were right - the room DID have the air of a S&M brothel. It might have been the thumbscrews, the chains, the whips, the manacles ...

Pred : This must be a medievil tortre chamber - look at all the instruments of torture. Look, there's an iron maiden!

Splend: Iron Maiden? Excellent!

He plays an air-guitar riff while Pred rolls his eyes.

Pred : Come on, Splend, we're bound to find someone intersting in here ...
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 07:53 PM   #23
Predalien
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Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Splendi: Yes you're right, in fact I can feel the presence of Sonny in this very room...

Predn: Sonny?

Splendi: Yeah, you know. Sonny. The one that's in charge of Predator discussions in one of those forums they have in the woods. Loves Arnold Schwarzeneggar you know...

Predn: Erm, Splendi...

Splendi: Yes? My hard rocking amigo...

Predn: You just described Oogaphlub

Splendi: But that means

Predn: That's right, Sonny, the leader of all that is the past-it's-sell-by-date Spam is in this very room...

Sonny: Ha Har! You all thought I was dead or on the run, but you're wrong wrong wrong!

Predn: I see...so how does this help the story develop?

Sonny: I'm going to lock you in this room, thus delaying your journey

Splendi: Oh, that's sounds exciting...I'm in
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 08:02 PM   #24
The one......
Sector Marshall
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600 flights since Dec 2002
Location: inside my mind-wanna join me?
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

*The golem suddenly comes to life and locates a secret doorway and the team of two follow into a dark room*

One: Oh thank God you're here!

(she rushes over to the two strange looking men and knocks the golem over, sending it splodging to the floor)

Spled: Oh Christ! I think she's going to kill us Pred!

Pred? PRED!

(sobbing over the non-functional golem on the floor)

Pred: It's ruined! my meat bag is ruined!

Splend: (who is frozen to the spot in fear of the mad one)sh..ee..ss.....goooona.......ki...lll....u

One:HELP ME YOU FOOL! (holding her 2 bound hands up to him)

Splend:um, you want me to do what? (a large stain has appeared on his trousers)

One: Please, undo these ropes, they're hurting me

Pred: look,look what you've done to my golem (now standing and pointing at the pile of meat on the floor)

I ought to kill you to replace it!Darn wretched woman!

Splend: whoa hold on their man! I may not need you or your sister any more..... I mean the golem.

One: please, help me. I've been in this place for 4 weeks now and I don't know how I got here or what happened. Please, just undo these ropes.

Pred: (pulls Splend aside) think about this Splend, she's weird. The whole situation of her just happening to be here in this way and she knows nothing of it is too much. Come on, it's too darn freaky. Someone tied her up for a reason, do we really want to take this weird bltch on?
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 08:08 PM   #25
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Splend : Weeeell ... she DID appear as soon as a strange time and space vortex sucked us out of the current continuity thread we were pursuing, so she must be weird.

Pred : What a great way to explain away the slight discrepancy in plot!

Splend : That's right, I'm a f*ckin genius, me.

He turns to One.

Splend : Lady, we're not entirely sure about you. while it is in my nature to help fair damsels in distress, it's also my nature to PUT them in distress sometimes. So, you'll just have to explain how you came to be tied up in this ... sweet store?

Splend and Pred look around. Sonny's chamber of horrors had indeed become ... a sweet store.
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 08:16 PM   #26
The one......
Sector Marshall
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600 flights since Dec 2002
Location: inside my mind-wanna join me?
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

[[by the time i posted my script you buggers had put in two more.....]]

One: I don't know what happened, one minute I was watching Clockwork Banana and then the next I was here. I'm so confused, I,I,I (she starts sobbing,) whaaa whaaaa!

Pred: don't start the waterworks,
(turns to Splend)
We're in a f*cking mess as it is mate, don't be getting dragged into this female mess.

Splend: but, she's crying and we don't really know how we got here neither.

One: I just want these ropes undone, please, they're rubbing into my skin. *sob*

Splend:Pred, look man (points to one) it can't hurt to untie her, can it?

Last edited by The one...... : Jan 3, 2003 at 08:34 PM.
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 08:29 PM   #27
Splendiferous
Old One Pikeman
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Pred : Look, if we take her with us, she'd probably cut our throats in the night. I say we should tie her up some more and just leave her here!

One starts screaming and gurgling for no apparent reason, and Splend looks on in pity.

Splend : No, Sam - erm, I mean, Frodo - erm, bugger - LINE?!

A random voice from offscreen : Look, Pred, we can't just leave her!

Splend : Right, thanks. Look, Pred, we can't just leave her. It would be unchivalrous, and we Squaddies used to be renouned for our chivalry.

Pred : Well ... I don't trust her. Can we at least leave her tied up.

Splend : No.

Pred : How about handcuffs?

Splend : No! Pervert ...

He cuts One's bonds, as Pred looks on, drawing a small dagger from his boot ... just in case ...
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 08:49 PM   #28
The one......
Sector Marshall
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600 flights since Dec 2002
Location: inside my mind-wanna join me?
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

(One rubs her wrists )

Oh God, thank you, that feels so much better. I can't thank you enough! (she hugs a startled Splend)

Splend:well lady, I can think of other ways you can thank me...

Pred: (grabs Splend) *in gruff voice* come on, we've gotta get back to where we were.

One: (who has stuffed her pokets,trousers, and bra with chocolate bars) I um, can come too? I've stocked up on the nessecary items.

Splend: Pred? she'll be alright if she's with us, won't she?

Pred: *in gruff voice again* it's one way of keeping an eye on her.

(Splend and Pred walk off)
Pred: well are you coming?

One: (chocolate all over her face) yes!

*she totters after the men rustling as she goes*
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Old Jan 3, 2003, 08:56 PM   #29
Splendiferous
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3,132 flights since Mar 2002
Location: Dreaming in plush R'lyeh
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Pred : I don't believe this! Here we are, trying to find the lost Solid Gold Necronomicon Ex Mortis and various other treasures Nex horded over the years - erm, and Nex, too, of course - and we've picked up excess baggage!

Splend : Oi, pack it in! Don't forget, YOU'RE extra baggage too! I'm supposed to be here on my own ... it was a promise ... a promise to a dear friend.

Pred : Yea, that sneaky devil, Nexus the Donut Warrior. I'll bever forgiver him for what he did to me ... and to my dignity.

One : Donuts, eh? I like donuts.

Pred : (snarling) Ah, what do YOU know about it?!

One : Quite a lot actually. See, donuts are made from sugar, mixed with ...

<<Three hours later>>

One : ... and then after they've passed through the anus as human waste, they ...

Splend and Pred are now walking ver slwly, as if all the life had been sucked out of them. Damn science lectures!
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Old Jan 4, 2003, 05:44 AM   #30
Predalien
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Location: Leeds, England, The Earth (also lived in other places such as Bristol and Exeter)
Re: Oh no! Not another movie thread! That's right, it's NOT another movie thread

Predn: You know, I'm starting to wonder why I came on this journey...

Splend: You realise that now?

Predn: Yeah, I'm going to carry on with you though obviously

Splend:

Predn: Anyway...why exactly are we heading back to Sonny's chamber of horrors?

Splend: We left the other meat bag there

Predn: Why didn't you say? I've got a third meat bag right here

Splend: How many meat bags was Nex's brother carrying?

<<Predn opens left side of tuxedo, revealing three more bags of meat>>

Splend: I see, so...help me build another golem?

Predn: Fine...okay then

Splend: You're definitely sure it's meat in these bags?

Predn: Yeah, special kind of meat called Liposuction

Splend: OMG! Erm, you didn't eat any did you?

The one....: What are you guys talking about?

Splend: Oh, nothing, nothing...you carry on talking to yourself for the time being...

The one.....: Okay, that's cool

Splend: Pred? Tell me you didn't eat any

<<Predn looks up at him with a mouthfull of 'meat'>>

Splend: Good god.
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